Longer distances, tight fairways, and heavily guarded greens met our fearless competitors at Innisbrook Copperhead course on this week’s stop of the IPA Cup. Our leader in the standings was still licking his wounds after a mediocre showing the week prior, and had reported issues with his balance due to water sticking in his right inner ear. 

Only three golfers made the trip to Copperhead. Shooter and Basil were waylaid by cancelled flights coming back from Liv Tour media obligations in the UAE. The low entrants meant some significant points were up for grabs for those looking to move up in the standings. 

Harris turned up with some new Callaway kit after inking a new sponsorship deal that week. He turned heads with his distance and accuracy off the tee when warming up on the range. This rattled Ched, who started his range session with the yips. One of Ched’s balls took some finish off of the sheltered hitting area, raining gentle white flakes of asbestos onto the puzzled golfer. A brief rain delay allowed Ched to work it out, and the round got started more or less on time. 

Marooned started with round with his usual steady play, quickly extending his lead after 5 holes to astonishing 8 and 10 stroke leads over Ched and Harris. The course was not forgiving however, and no golfers make it to the turn with a score under 43. Harris got a birdie dance in on 11, where Ched carded a double and Marooned carded one worse. that four-shot swing on the Par-5 11th left Marooned a little… marooned as he hit last on the 12th tee. Harris’ took another stroke on 12 with his par to bring the lead to within 2. Marooned fought back on lucky number 13, sliding his tee shot to within gimme distance; Harris couldn’t match, but was oozing confidence from the way he was driving the ball like a sniper from the tee. Marooned ballooned to an 8 on 14, proof that he was clearly struggling on the longer holes that day. This whack-fack left the door open for Harris to narrow the lead to one stroke with four to go.

Ched landed the ignomious award of being the first IP(A) cup competitor to card four consecutive double bogeys, beating Basil’s previous record set in early February. His 8-over between the 11th tee and the 14th green was a full-force master class on how to tear up a back-nine. Nobody is quite sure how this happened, but this incredible display of high scoring still left Ched within one stroke once his (very generous, according to some) cap was factored in.

Marooned, Harris, and Ched scored par, bogey, par on 15, but Marooned then dropped a stroke to the other two on the next hole. Harris put the pressure on with another par on 17 where Ched and Marooned both bogeyed. This had the tables turned, with Marooned now one back of Harris on the 18th tee. Marooned checked out of the competition in classic Marooned fashion with a finishing double, able to apply only a fluffy puppy’s worth of pressure on Harris. Marooned’s wilting display also meant that Ched’s bogey brought him level on the day.

Marooned was a bit more available this week because he stayed mostly on dry land for a change. “So I was feeling pretty good after a fairly steady front nine, even though I was clearly suffering with tee shot accuracy. That Harris was pretty intimidating off the tee today, which I think started to rattle my cage on the back. That and I think he gave me LSD-laced nuts at the turn.”

Ched got the crowd going after drawing square with Marooned in 18 by jumping up and down, hugging his caddy and lifetime partner. The chant, “WHO’S NUMBER TWO? WHO’S NUMBER TWO?” echoed through the stands like it was the Waste Management Open. After the commotion died down, Ched called golf “really easy, man. I mean, I played pretty darn bad and still got a silver.  Only two shots back. Are the Olympics this easy? Maybe I should try Luge-ing. Is luge-ing a word? Luging? Whatever.”

Harris was happy with his first win on the circuit, but also visibly distressed by Marooned’s allegations of food tampering. “I really did win this day off the tee. ‘Drive for show and dough’ was my mantra today, and boy, did I deliver. Did I also deliver some nuts to Marooned today? Yes. But were they tainted in any way? N-n-n-o. You know, sometimes people are just sore losers, and some times people are just vicious. You decide who Marooned showed up as today. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

The standings are as muddy as ever, with Marooned only going clear of the others due to better attendance. We expect that this week’s standings will reflect the final standings format, with players possibly getting an advance view of the standings before tee time.