IPA Cupdate March 18th: Aronimink Carnage

The 2026 Aronimink Invitational is officially in the books, and while the course is historic (notably for it's tokenism, not Tolkeinism, towards the indigenous peoples of the USA), the scorecards were... consistent.

Played from the blue tees—because apparently, this group enjoys suffering, even though Basil says he can handle the long tees —the day was a masterclass in "almost par." Looking down the throat of the first hole led to Basil's first seizure since the 3rd hole at Grey Wolf.

And if the distance wasn't problematic to begin with, just look at how shrouded this green is in bunkers. This is what the players met on every hole.

While the rest of the field was busy denting the sand in the bunkers, Ched posted a respectable 80. Rumor has it he hit to the fat of the greens, a strategy the others seemingly found too mainstream. He finishes +10, which at Aronimink, basically makes him a local deity. In fact, he finished the round so fresh that many thought he may have subbed other golfers in to take the occasional shot for him.

In an act of mathematical defiance that would baffle a physicist, Basil, Shooter, Harris, and Marooned all turned in identical cards of 88. There was an attempt to play extra holes given this four-way tie, but everyone seemed to forget that Ched actually won the round, making a playoff unnecessary. 

Once that realization slowly settled in, the post-round scene at the 19th hole was odd in that it featured more expensive excuses than expensive scotch. Here is what the "Aronimink Five" had to say about their day from the blues:

Shooter spent most of the back nine explaining how he would have shot a 72 if not for "the wind" and "gravity." Basil kept it spicy with his long drives, but couldn't find the cup, let alone the gimme circle. Harris stayed the course and continued to show consistency with his new tee box ripper, but couldn't handle the approaches. Marooned spent so much time in the fescue that he contracted dengue fever, which is another way of saying he lived up to his name in this edition of the IPA Cup.

From Ched: "Look, the course is a beast, but it’s manageable if you actually aim for the short grass. I honestly spent half my day waiting for the other players to find their balls. I shot an 80 while basically playing through a nap. If Shooter spent half as much time practicing his short game as he does checking his corporate hair in the golf cart mirror, he might have broken 87."

Shooter added, "the greens were rolling like marble floors in a haunted house. Totally unfair pin placements. I was hitting pure shots, but the wind—which only seemed to exist when I was over the ball—ruined me. And watching Marooned play? It was like a nature documentary. I’ve never seen a man visit that many different types of sand and thick bush in four hours. He didn't play golf; he went on a tropical vacation. I'm surprised he wasn't teeing off with a piña colada in one hand. Or maybe he did - maybe that's why he couldn't find a fairway."

The ever-chagrined Basil said, "I’m convinced the groundskeepers moved the holes while my ball was in mid-air. Aronimink is a beautiful place to have a mental breakdown. Honestly, though, the hardest part wasn't the 450-yard par fours; it was listening to Harris narrate his 'swing thoughts' before every chunked iron. Harris, buddy, your 'process' is producing a score that looks more like a speed limit. You need to invest more time in the driving range."

Harris wasn't impressed with the tour stop. "Those blue tees are a joke. You need a telescope just to see the fairway. I played 'boring' golf, which apparently is the same thing as 'bad' golf today. But hey, at least I didn't lose my dignity like Basil. Basil was swinging so hard on the 14th I thought he was trying to start a lawnmower. It’s a miracle he didn’t dislocate a hip trying to keep up with Ched."

Marooned was somewhat more reflective than the rest of the fivesome. "The course name is accurate—I felt completely stranded out there. I haven't seen that much thick grass since my separation in 2021. This experience tells me that I really have to expose myself to parting more bush in the near future. But I gotta say, yeah, I'm disappointed in my score. Still, watching Ched act like he’s ready for the Masters because he got lucky on a few chips is the real tragedy here. Enjoy your 80, Ched; we all know you were using a 'favorable' drop on the 6th. We see you."

This latest edition of the IPA Cup has settled no scores, nor clarified who the winner might be. These updated standings seem as easy to read as tea leaves in espresso. It's really anyone's Cup right now.