Harris Steps Up (His Appy Game) at Memorial

Thursday’s round saw four participants as Ched missed his tee time by 6 minutes. His apologies and excuse of “I was just helping my girlfriend get her steps in” fell on deaf ears in the official’s tent and he left dejected. Memorial Park Golf Course was the venue, with downtown Houston abuzz with the promise of riches from soaring oil prices. 

Marooned opened his ledger with a tidy birdie while Shooter saw fit to begin his round with a triple bogey.  Shooter’s hopes evaporated more rapidly than the liquid in Marooned’s green cans as he finished the front 9 at plus 12, muttering to himself about mystery illnesses and ailments.  After the round he was more direct, saying “well, yeah, I mean I’m definitely fighting a bug, and that bug is called bogeyitis. But at least the corn chips and dip were a revelation.”

Marooned held a narrow lead at the turn and was confident in his intake/performance calculations, but his shoddy math revealed itself on the fateful 16^th.  Marooned's wayward tee shot on the Par 5 (coming off a birdie on 15 no less) led to a Fatuggian - a score of 9 on any hole - handing his lead to Harris who carded a tidy par.  Basil was close, but also found trouble on 16, way left off the tee en route to a triple bogey 8.  That was the only opening Harris needed as he carded a total 85, three strokes clear of 2^nd place Marooned.  

Basil rued his missed opportunities, laying the blame squarely on his driver after finding only four fairways, “look, this is my cup to lose.  And four fairways is going to help me lose it. Unbelievable.”.  Upon learning nobody else found the fairway more than twice on the day, his eyes widened… “motherf#@#$!s!  Maybe it wasn’t the driver.  Maybe it was my shock at seeing a corn chip girthier than what i see in the mirror every morning.  They really could hold the french onion dip.”

 

Harris was pensive in his win, attributing his success to no blowup holes and stealthily avoiding the gag-inducing Balkan businessman tinder profile. “You know,” he revealed in parting, “I supplied the sustenance for the competitors tonight, and I was rewarded with a win.  Maybe I’ll bring food next week as well. I provide for my fellow players, the universe provides for me.”  Sadly, the universe will not provide a cup in Harris’ future as it remains a two-horse race with one round remaining. 

The cup concludes tomorrow at the fabled Augusta National Course, a bastion of American racism, sexism, and privilege, intermingled with a bit of golf. It's really Basil's cup to lose at this point, as Marooned needs to win and Basil must place lower than third to fumble it. Many pundits have faith that Basil will indeed find a way to let the cup slip through his grasp.

 

Returning to their vehicles, the players were hopeful that a venue change could be avoided in the 26/27 season, citing the remarkable views and accessible washroom facilities at the present location. Marooned remained less hopeful as water dripped into his empty cans from the ceiling above and a frosty wind gathered in the north. As he pondered his collapse on 16, he looked despondently down at the gradually refilling can in his left hand and said, “I sense change coming. Just added Montenegro to my location parameters, so next year’s cup may well go overseas.”