IP(A) Cup March 4th Report: Darts at Bay Hill

This week’s cup round found the competitors at Arnold Palmer’s Bay Hill Champions course. Ideal conditions already led to predictions of a low scoring day, but Cup Committee confusion made this a sure thing when they chose the White Tees. The course ended up playing only 5,143 yards, causing long-ball-hitter frustration from the moment our golfers walked on to the First Tee.

New to this week’s format was an agreement hastily struck between Ched and Harris to take advantage of IP(A) Cup rule 238.06(a)(i), also known as the Jeckyll and Hyde Rule. Harris would play the front nine, Ched the back, and both would take home the cup points for their combined placing.

Marooned and Shooter led after both strung together three pars out of the gate, with Basil going bogey-bogey-birdie to land at one over after three. Ched brought his team level with Basil after a birdie on 4, but the truly impressive show was Shooter’s eagle on the stubby par five which moved him to two under. True to Shooter form, he immediately gave one back on the next hole, which revealed his long-standing aversion to all things negative.

Five consecutive pars for Marooned had him squarely in the hunt at even par, and the round had all the appearances of a two horse race as the competitors strolled an extra 129 yards past the Blues to the White Tee on the Par 5 6th. The gods had different ideas for Marooned on this day, and after two tees shots and three second shots into the water, Marooned would not complete the hole. He carded a 5-over 10 for the 6th, and his day was mostly done. The two-horse race was instead Shooter and Basil, who were square at even par after Basil’s birdie and Shooters second consecutive bogey moved them both to even par.

Shooter continued his consistent short game play through to the turn to remain even par, carding what he calls a “Shooter Set”, also known as a par, birdie and bogey. Basil bogeyed out to sit three back alongside Harris at 39. Marooned limped off the 9th green, pulled off his flippers and wetsuit, and tried to find a dry pencil to total his front-nine 44.

The competitors hit the 10th tee after finding little in the way of nourishment at the boarded up concession. Hundreds of semi-aggrieved subgroups had joined women in the gender equality protest that took over the turn. A heavy police presence maintained ‘player safety’ as ladies, Furries*, IRGC members, and Avi Lewis all sang songs railing against crusts off sandwiches and other foods of subjugation. The commotion distracted from the very real issue facing our cisgendered heteronormative white male colonists: they were fearing the onset of hunger pangs by the 15th hole, and there was little recourse or sympathy to be found.

Chaos at the Turn

*Don’t miss Vancoufur, running this weekend in Richmond!

Rounds of rubber bullets and smoking arcs from tear gas canisters weren’t enough to prevent our competitors from taking to the 10th tee, joined there by Ched who forded the furry expanse to lead the golfers to safety. Ched wasn’t safe from the teeth and claws of the 10th and 11th holes, however, kicking off his half of the Charris 18 with a triple and a 10. Ched’s nerves finally settled in by 13, where an easy par seemed to right the ship, but the damage was done and Team Charris ended the round with a back-nine 58 to card a 97 (89 adj.). Inconsistent sand play on the back nine left Marooned marooned in third at an 88. Basil pressed our leader with two birdies on 14 and 16, but gave those strokes back with a double on 17, scored 40 on the back and signed a 79 in the scorer’s tent. 

The real story of the day was not the obscure rule that Charris took advantage of, or Marooned’s near drowning on 6, or Basil’s sub-80 round despite ongoing complaints about the impact of short courses on his aggressive style of play. Shooter’s short game stats tell the story of how he mastered Bay Hill with a one-over 73. Simply put, Shooter played a lights-out round that was only occasionally interrupted by shop talk.

When asked for comment, Shooter was still highly self-critical of his performance. “I can’t BELIEVE I dropped that one stroke on 18 and failed to hit 72. ’73 is a great birth year, and I have a great friend who was born in ’73, but my best-best-best friend in the world was born in ’72. And yeah, it’s not really about them when I am out there - in fact, it’s entirely about me - so I guess I should be happy. But what is happiness really, anyways? 11 greens in reg, or is life about something more?” (Editor's Note: It's entirely possible that continuing to play from the Ladies' Tees could indeed make Shooter happy, one day...)

The Results:

Basil commended Shooter on his great performance, but then added, “The technology available to elite golfers today means that we need to push course lengths longer in order to truly separate the worst from the best. The short tees made it possible for any average hack to win today, and sure enough, that’s what happened.” Basil then shuffled off to prepare for what might be another second place performance next week, kicking a few spent tear gas canisters out of his path en route to his Acura MDX Bridesmaid Edition.

Team Charris were (was?) unphased by today’s results, and sort of took their fourth place finish in stride. “It’s really about the time spent together, here on the course, growing as a team, living the dream,” they half sang in unison. Reporters in the media tent later remarked that Shooter could do well to tap in to some of the happiness they carried through the day.

Reporters only caught up with Marooned long after the crowds, golfers, and protesters exited Bay Hill. Marooned emerged yet again from the pond on 6, carrying another mesh bag filled with errant golf balls. “Third place don’t pay the bills, suckas. Man’s gotta provide, and there’s like fifty or sixty mint Titleist Pro V1’s (TM)* in this haul. We be living like kings this week!”

*Editors have since learned that Marooned is required by contract to plug Titleist ProV1 (TM) golf balls in every interaction with the media.

The Standings after Shooter's Shootout at Bay Hill shows a tightening race for the Cup, with Basil only one back of Marooned. Shooter's performance pretty much locks up third place for him, but continued great play in the next three weeks could bring him level with the leaders before the Cup finale in early April. Ched and Harris round out the top five, but it's worth noting that their Charris score would have them edge Shooter and land them (him?) in third. Reporters have placed an FOI request with the Cup Committee to uncover any possible appeals made by Charris to the Rules Sub-Committee.

Next week's edition will have us skip TPC Sawgrass to have the competitors take on Copperhead, the site of this year's Valspar Championsihp.