IPA Cupdate March 18th: Aronimink Carnage

The 2026 Aronimink Invitational is officially in the books, and while the course is historic (notably for it's tokenism, not Tolkeinism, towards the indigenous peoples of the USA), the scorecards were... consistent.

Played from the blue tees—because apparently, this group enjoys suffering, even though Basil says he can handle the long tees —the day was a masterclass in "almost par." Looking down the throat of the first hole led to Basil's first seizure since the 3rd hole at Grey Wolf.

And if the distance wasn't problematic to begin with, just look at how shrouded this green is in bunkers. This is what the players met on every hole.

While the rest of the field was busy denting the sand in the bunkers, Ched posted a respectable 80. Rumor has it he hit to the fat of the greens, a strategy the others seemingly found too mainstream. He finishes +10, which at Aronimink, basically makes him a local deity. In fact, he finished the round so fresh that many thought he may have subbed other golfers in to take the occasional shot for him.

In an act of mathematical defiance that would baffle a physicist, Basil, Shooter, Harris, and Marooned all turned in identical cards of 88. There was an attempt to play extra holes given this four-way tie, but everyone seemed to forget that Ched actually won the round, making a playoff unnecessary. 

Once that realization slowly settled in, the post-round scene at the 19th hole was odd in that it featured more expensive excuses than expensive scotch. Here is what the "Aronimink Five" had to say about their day from the blues:

Shooter spent most of the back nine explaining how he would have shot a 72 if not for "the wind" and "gravity." Basil kept it spicy with his long drives, but couldn't find the cup, let alone the gimme circle. Harris stayed the course and continued to show consistency with his new tee box ripper, but couldn't handle the approaches. Marooned spent so much time in the fescue that he contracted dengue fever, which is another way of saying he lived up to his name in this edition of the IPA Cup.

From Ched: "Look, the course is a beast, but it’s manageable if you actually aim for the short grass. I honestly spent half my day waiting for the other players to find their balls. I shot an 80 while basically playing through a nap. If Shooter spent half as much time practicing his short game as he does checking his corporate hair in the golf cart mirror, he might have broken 87."

Shooter added, "the greens were rolling like marble floors in a haunted house. Totally unfair pin placements. I was hitting pure shots, but the wind—which only seemed to exist when I was over the ball—ruined me. And watching Marooned play? It was like a nature documentary. I’ve never seen a man visit that many different types of sand and thick bush in four hours. He didn't play golf; he went on a tropical vacation. I'm surprised he wasn't teeing off with a piña colada in one hand. Or maybe he did - maybe that's why he couldn't find a fairway."

The ever-chagrined Basil said, "I’m convinced the groundskeepers moved the holes while my ball was in mid-air. Aronimink is a beautiful place to have a mental breakdown. Honestly, though, the hardest part wasn't the 450-yard par fours; it was listening to Harris narrate his 'swing thoughts' before every chunked iron. Harris, buddy, your 'process' is producing a score that looks more like a speed limit. You need to invest more time in the driving range."

Harris wasn't impressed with the tour stop. "Those blue tees are a joke. You need a telescope just to see the fairway. I played 'boring' golf, which apparently is the same thing as 'bad' golf today. But hey, at least I didn't lose my dignity like Basil. Basil was swinging so hard on the 14th I thought he was trying to start a lawnmower. It’s a miracle he didn’t dislocate a hip trying to keep up with Ched."

Marooned was somewhat more reflective than the rest of the fivesome. "The course name is accurate—I felt completely stranded out there. I haven't seen that much thick grass since my separation in 2021. This experience tells me that I really have to expose myself to parting more bush in the near future. But I gotta say, yeah, I'm disappointed in my score. Still, watching Ched act like he’s ready for the Masters because he got lucky on a few chips is the real tragedy here. Enjoy your 80, Ched; we all know you were using a 'favorable' drop on the 6th. We see you."

This latest edition of the IPA Cup has settled no scores, nor clarified who the winner might be. These updated standings seem as easy to read as tea leaves in espresso. It's really anyone's Cup right now.

 

Longer distances, tight fairways, and heavily guarded greens met our fearless competitors at Innisbrook Copperhead course on this week’s stop of the IPA Cup. Our leader in the standings was still licking his wounds after a mediocre showing the week prior, and had reported issues with his balance due to water sticking in his right inner ear. 

Only three golfers made the trip to Copperhead. Shooter and Basil were waylaid by cancelled flights coming back from Liv Tour media obligations in the UAE. The low entrants meant some significant points were up for grabs for those looking to move up in the standings. 

Harris turned up with some new Callaway kit after inking a new sponsorship deal that week. He turned heads with his distance and accuracy off the tee when warming up on the range. This rattled Ched, who started his range session with the yips. One of Ched’s balls took some finish off of the sheltered hitting area, raining gentle white flakes of asbestos onto the puzzled golfer. A brief rain delay allowed Ched to work it out, and the round got started more or less on time. 

Marooned started with round with his usual steady play, quickly extending his lead after 5 holes to astonishing 8 and 10 stroke leads over Ched and Harris. The course was not forgiving however, and no golfers make it to the turn with a score under 43. Harris got a birdie dance in on 11, where Ched carded a double and Marooned carded one worse. that four-shot swing on the Par-5 11th left Marooned a little… marooned as he hit last on the 12th tee. Harris’ took another stroke on 12 with his par to bring the lead to within 2. Marooned fought back on lucky number 13, sliding his tee shot to within gimme distance; Harris couldn’t match, but was oozing confidence from the way he was driving the ball like a sniper from the tee. Marooned ballooned to an 8 on 14, proof that he was clearly struggling on the longer holes that day. This whack-fack left the door open for Harris to narrow the lead to one stroke with four to go.

Ched landed the ignomious award of being the first IP(A) cup competitor to card four consecutive double bogeys, beating Basil’s previous record set in early February. His 8-over between the 11th tee and the 14th green was a full-force master class on how to tear up a back-nine. Nobody is quite sure how this happened, but this incredible display of high scoring still left Ched within one stroke once his (very generous, according to some) cap was factored in.

Marooned, Harris, and Ched scored par, bogey, par on 15, but Marooned then dropped a stroke to the other two on the next hole. Harris put the pressure on with another par on 17 where Ched and Marooned both bogeyed. This had the tables turned, with Marooned now one back of Harris on the 18th tee. Marooned checked out of the competition in classic Marooned fashion with a finishing double, able to apply only a fluffy puppy’s worth of pressure on Harris. Marooned’s wilting display also meant that Ched’s bogey brought him level on the day.

Marooned was a bit more available this week because he stayed mostly on dry land for a change. “So I was feeling pretty good after a fairly steady front nine, even though I was clearly suffering with tee shot accuracy. That Harris was pretty intimidating off the tee today, which I think started to rattle my cage on the back. That and I think he gave me LSD-laced nuts at the turn.”

Ched got the crowd going after drawing square with Marooned in 18 by jumping up and down, hugging his caddy and lifetime partner. The chant, “WHO’S NUMBER TWO? WHO’S NUMBER TWO?” echoed through the stands like it was the Waste Management Open. After the commotion died down, Ched called golf “really easy, man. I mean, I played pretty darn bad and still got a silver.  Only two shots back. Are the Olympics this easy? Maybe I should try Luge-ing. Is luge-ing a word? Luging? Whatever.”

Harris was happy with his first win on the circuit, but also visibly distressed by Marooned’s allegations of food tampering. “I really did win this day off the tee. ‘Drive for show and dough’ was my mantra today, and boy, did I deliver. Did I also deliver some nuts to Marooned today? Yes. But were they tainted in any way? N-n-n-o. You know, sometimes people are just sore losers, and some times people are just vicious. You decide who Marooned showed up as today. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

The standings are as muddy as ever, with Marooned only going clear of the others due to better attendance. We expect that this week’s standings will reflect the final standings format, with players possibly getting an advance view of the standings before tee time.

IP(A) Cup March 4th Report: Darts at Bay Hill

This week’s cup round found the competitors at Arnold Palmer’s Bay Hill Champions course. Ideal conditions already led to predictions of a low scoring day, but Cup Committee confusion made this a sure thing when they chose the White Tees. The course ended up playing only 5,143 yards, causing long-ball-hitter frustration from the moment our golfers walked on to the First Tee.

New to this week’s format was an agreement hastily struck between Ched and Harris to take advantage of IP(A) Cup rule 238.06(a)(i), also known as the Jeckyll and Hyde Rule. Harris would play the front nine, Ched the back, and both would take home the cup points for their combined placing.

Marooned and Shooter led after both strung together three pars out of the gate, with Basil going bogey-bogey-birdie to land at one over after three. Ched brought his team level with Basil after a birdie on 4, but the truly impressive show was Shooter’s eagle on the stubby par five which moved him to two under. True to Shooter form, he immediately gave one back on the next hole, which revealed his long-standing aversion to all things negative.

Five consecutive pars for Marooned had him squarely in the hunt at even par, and the round had all the appearances of a two horse race as the competitors strolled an extra 129 yards past the Blues to the White Tee on the Par 5 6th. The gods had different ideas for Marooned on this day, and after two tees shots and three second shots into the water, Marooned would not complete the hole. He carded a 5-over 10 for the 6th, and his day was mostly done. The two-horse race was instead Shooter and Basil, who were square at even par after Basil’s birdie and Shooters second consecutive bogey moved them both to even par.

Shooter continued his consistent short game play through to the turn to remain even par, carding what he calls a “Shooter Set”, also known as a par, birdie and bogey. Basil bogeyed out to sit three back alongside Harris at 39. Marooned limped off the 9th green, pulled off his flippers and wetsuit, and tried to find a dry pencil to total his front-nine 44.

The competitors hit the 10th tee after finding little in the way of nourishment at the boarded up concession. Hundreds of semi-aggrieved subgroups had joined women in the gender equality protest that took over the turn. A heavy police presence maintained ‘player safety’ as ladies, Furries*, IRGC members, and Avi Lewis all sang songs railing against crusts off sandwiches and other foods of subjugation. The commotion distracted from the very real issue facing our cisgendered heteronormative white male colonists: they were fearing the onset of hunger pangs by the 15th hole, and there was little recourse or sympathy to be found.

Chaos at the Turn

*Don’t miss Vancoufur, running this weekend in Richmond!

Rounds of rubber bullets and smoking arcs from tear gas canisters weren’t enough to prevent our competitors from taking to the 10th tee, joined there by Ched who forded the furry expanse to lead the golfers to safety. Ched wasn’t safe from the teeth and claws of the 10th and 11th holes, however, kicking off his half of the Charris 18 with a triple and a 10. Ched’s nerves finally settled in by 13, where an easy par seemed to right the ship, but the damage was done and Team Charris ended the round with a back-nine 58 to card a 97 (89 adj.). Inconsistent sand play on the back nine left Marooned marooned in third at an 88. Basil pressed our leader with two birdies on 14 and 16, but gave those strokes back with a double on 17, scored 40 on the back and signed a 79 in the scorer’s tent. 

The real story of the day was not the obscure rule that Charris took advantage of, or Marooned’s near drowning on 6, or Basil’s sub-80 round despite ongoing complaints about the impact of short courses on his aggressive style of play. Shooter’s short game stats tell the story of how he mastered Bay Hill with a one-over 73. Simply put, Shooter played a lights-out round that was only occasionally interrupted by shop talk.

When asked for comment, Shooter was still highly self-critical of his performance. “I can’t BELIEVE I dropped that one stroke on 18 and failed to hit 72. ’73 is a great birth year, and I have a great friend who was born in ’73, but my best-best-best friend in the world was born in ’72. And yeah, it’s not really about them when I am out there - in fact, it’s entirely about me - so I guess I should be happy. But what is happiness really, anyways? 11 greens in reg, or is life about something more?” (Editor's Note: It's entirely possible that continuing to play from the Ladies' Tees could indeed make Shooter happy, one day...)

The Results:

Basil commended Shooter on his great performance, but then added, “The technology available to elite golfers today means that we need to push course lengths longer in order to truly separate the worst from the best. The short tees made it possible for any average hack to win today, and sure enough, that’s what happened.” Basil then shuffled off to prepare for what might be another second place performance next week, kicking a few spent tear gas canisters out of his path en route to his Acura MDX Bridesmaid Edition.

Team Charris were (was?) unphased by today’s results, and sort of took their fourth place finish in stride. “It’s really about the time spent together, here on the course, growing as a team, living the dream,” they half sang in unison. Reporters in the media tent later remarked that Shooter could do well to tap in to some of the happiness they carried through the day.

Reporters only caught up with Marooned long after the crowds, golfers, and protesters exited Bay Hill. Marooned emerged yet again from the pond on 6, carrying another mesh bag filled with errant golf balls. “Third place don’t pay the bills, suckas. Man’s gotta provide, and there’s like fifty or sixty mint Titleist Pro V1’s (TM)* in this haul. We be living like kings this week!”

*Editors have since learned that Marooned is required by contract to plug Titleist ProV1 (TM) golf balls in every interaction with the media.

The Standings after Shooter's Shootout at Bay Hill shows a tightening race for the Cup, with Basil only one back of Marooned. Shooter's performance pretty much locks up third place for him, but continued great play in the next three weeks could bring him level with the leaders before the Cup finale in early April. Ched and Harris round out the top five, but it's worth noting that their Charris score would have them edge Shooter and land them (him?) in third. Reporters have placed an FOI request with the Cup Committee to uncover any possible appeals made by Charris to the Rules Sub-Committee.

Next week's edition will have us skip TPC Sawgrass to have the competitors take on Copperhead, the site of this year's Valspar Championsihp.