IP(A) Cup - The Cartel Gun Battle Edition

This week's IP(A) Cup Round started uneventfully at the stunning Vidanda Vallarta, Greg Norman's signature course in Mexico. The course is situated right beside Aeropuerto Puerta Vallarta and is a water-filled adventure zone resting right on the river that separates the Mexican states of Jalisco and Nayarit. Prior to 2010, a hard shank of your ball into Nayarit would require a change of time zones (and a small boat to cross the crocodile infested river)!

Adding to the regular pressure of a Cup round was the presence of the Cup itself, which made the journey from colder climes to both motivate and shake the contenders. In addition, the first hole (visible above) is truly a test of a golfer's mettle, with the faders and slicers feeling the magnetic pull of the water lining the entire right side of the hole. This water claimed Ched as its first, second, and third victims (victim?), while the other competitors managed to stay dry on the short yet challenging Par 4. Things settled in on the second with Ched righting the ship and others settling in to their inconsistent iron play. However, the round was abruptly halted due to the presence of a burned out bus across the cart path leading to the 3rd Tee, ongoing disruptions from passengers fleeing PVR, and occasional gunfire overhead.

The Cup, our competitors, and the Cup Committee managed to hitch a ride on Clifton A. Pemble's private jet to California, where organizers hastily assembled a substitute round off the Greens. Organizers expected a daunting, tree-lined course that would pose a challenge even off the shorter tees, but our players arrived at the First and found the course largely denuded of its namesake foliage.

Marooned raced out to an early four-stroke lead with a 39 on the front, with Harris moving ahead of Basil and into second place with a birdie on the 9th. Ched's front nine ended with a triple on the longish par 5, which led to him firing his caddie, regripping his clubs, and swearing off Nasty Habits forever. These changes seemed to work as he ran five strokes better on the back nine; however, the lack of trees to contend with meant that the rest of his foursome didn't find much trouble and he couldn't close the gap.

Harris matched the leader stroke for stroke from the 10th onward, clearly having sorted out the short game issues he encountered at TPC Scottsdale. Reporters overheard fans lining the treeless expanse remark that they fully expected Harris' back nine would ensure second place was a lock. Basil had a different plan however, and opted not to putt at all on the 155-yard 12th hole. His ace is the first of the IP(A) Cup, and the Committee almost sent him home straight away with the trophy.

The tee box and crowd erupted when the ball dropped, with the shouting and roaring being heard by at least two hot tub soakers nearby. Basil's celebration bought cheers and laughter from the three other players. Shortly after, Harris sank back to his chair and sat despondently as he slowly realized that this one shot likely meant that he would slip to third. True enough, he did.

The ace and solid play from the 16th in led Basil to a back-nine 38, and it appeared that Marooned was losing his edge and fatiguing from malnourishment at the end of the round. But even the ace on 12 only erased the shots Basil dropped to Marooned on 10 and 11, so the four-stroke difference on the last three holes wasn't enough to catch the leader.

Marooned had this to say after the 20-hole event:

"Wow. Two in a row. Boy did that group *hic* bring it today. I felt the pressure right from the warm up to the 18th, or was it 20th?, green. Wait, did we play 20 *hic*, holesh? I might have *hic*, you know, *hic*, made some poor shoices carting around those taller cansh today, but uhhigottatellya, *hic*, they sure helped me keep my composure down in Mexshico after I heard those two bullets whiz past my ear."

Basil was pretty even keel after carding his 38, commenting that he feels like he is now playing "proper golf" and expects to "skelp, tan, and leather" any players who show up at next week's event.

When approached for comment, Harris was still trying to figure out how second place slipped away: "An ace. Wow. I mean, I knew unicorns existed, and of course the Illuminati exist, but I truly didn't think holing out from a tee box was possible. I guess it's not the conspiracy that those Reddit forums make it out to be (Harris was doxxed and pwned shortly after these comments went to print)."

Ched slid quietly out of the scoring tent but was chased down by reporters as he jumped into his Escalade. Reporters barked questions at him through his unopened driver's side window. In response, Ched flipped them the bird, threw a half-full Starbucks Venti Dark Roast through his moon roof at one reporter who was unlucky enough to wear a white linen pantsuit to work that day, and screeched off, almost driving over a CBS cameraman's foot.

A second consecutive win leaves Marooned alone in first place as the days get longer and the end of the Cup series is on the horizon. Basil is close behind, only three points in arrears, with Shooter adrift and well back in third. Ched and Harris round out the top five.

Committee members still haven't clarified the process for determining the winner, but rumours are that the best six performances for each golfer will count towards the title. The Cup Committee was asked for comment, but had not reponded prior to print.

IP(A) Cup Standings After Shocking Feb 18 Edition

There is a new entry in the top three all-time 18th hole meltdowns in golf history. Dropping to third position is Roy McAvoy's 13 at the US Open, spurred on by repeat attempts to reach the protected green in two. Roy carded a 13, lost the US Open, but I guess some small consolation is that he got the girl (seen in distance at the center of the frame).

The notorious implosion of John van de Velde at the 1999 British Open once topped our charts. Needing only a double-bogey to win, van de Velde carded a triple bogey 7 after pushing his drive right, careening his second shot off of the grandstand, and putting his third shot into a hazard. Still, he made it to the playoff that included Justin Leonard, and lost to eventual winner Paul Lawrie. His consolation? A 305,000GBP payout for being the bridesmaid after a disastrous 18th hole.

But now, after February 18th, we find ourselves with a new all-time meltdown leader. After a remarkable front 9 where his consistent play landed him firmly in the driver's seat at 41 - even before factoring in his cap - Ched arrived on the 18th tee at this IPA Cup Round at TPC Scottsdale Stadium course with a healthy lead. Needing only a snowman or lower to tie or win outright, Ched found the desert rough and the desert oasis, and fell from first to third by the time the hole was over.

Carding a 10 on the last hole, Ched blamed his caddie, the lack of caloric intake on the course attributable to the Featherweights, and some talking to himself in his back swing. Trainers believe that his issues started with his exuberant birdie bull ride on the 5th, where slow motion replay caught signs of Ched wincing when he violently stuffed his 8-iron between his legs to start the celebration.

Speaking to Harris after the round, he noted that he struggled to find practice time this week and blamed the lack of variables like snow, ice, and frozen ground as factors that contributed to his low placing. Harris did contend that he still has a shot at a Cup win if only he can dial in his short game.

Shooter's birdies on 17 and 18 pulled him into second place on the day and shows that when he finally finds that positive mindset, he is a real threat on the links. When asked about what could have been, Shooter said, "four double bogeys on the first six holes is not how you win championships. My team and I are going to investigate options on how to block out the bad early in the round, even if that means jeopardizing my long-term health by hitting the green cans a few hours before tee off."

Champion and new Cup co-leader Marooned remained generally unphased by his performance. "I've come to learn that in this cup season, you just have to play your game, even if it starts off crappy, and let the other players come back to you. I mean, I have the best job in the world: I play a game for fame, fortune, and an unlimited supply of Titleist Pro V1's (TM). I couldn't ask for anything more than being out here in the fresh air, competing with the world's... best?"

The Cup leaderboard has seen a shake-up due to Basil's absence. The race tightens with only weeks to go.

Next's week's edition will find us at either Champions of Omaha (Blue 6,611, White 6,158) or Vidanta Vallarta (6,793/6,221) on Thursday, February 26th at 6:00pm Pacific.

Updated Cup Standings as at February 11th

The temporary conditions didn't significantly impact play, but much of that might have been related to the slightly shorter tees. Calm but risky conditions led to some good golf and many bull rides to celebrate birdies.

Results from Riviera, Forward Tees:

Name Score Points
Ched +12 (83, NET 76) **WINNER 10
Basil +5 (77) 7
Marooned +6 (78) 5
Shooter +10 (81) 4


Ched's remarkable play down the finishing stretch allowed him to fend off the unwanted advances of Basil. Marooned's triple late on the front nine dropped him out of contention and Basil and Ched didn't open the door to let him back in.

Cup Standings Through February 11th

Rank Name Points
1 Basil 34
2 Marooned 24
3 Shooter 23
4 Ched 15
5 Harris 0


Basil's consistent play has made him almost untouchable in the lead position. That said, it's entirely possible that this insurmountable lead can simply be chalked up to good attendance. The race for second place looks tight. Next week's edition - which Basil has indicated he will miss - stands to separate the wheat from the chaff and put some pressure on the leader. Ched may have shown up to take this week's win just to gain enough points to retain his tour card, but his steady performance has made fellow competitors on the tour wonder what would have been. Harris made a brief appearance at Royal Pine this week to preview the course and sign autographs; he smashed a few 7 irons, waved to the crowd, and disappeared.

Introducing the IP(A) Cup Standings

Wow, a long hiatus on this blog!
A quick summary of where the Royal Pine Virtual Golf Tour's IP(A) Cup standing lie as of today.

Date	15-Jan	22-Jan	05-Feb	Total
Round	1	2	3
GM	10	7	10	27
BK	7	5	7	19
CR	4	10	5	19
TK	5	/	/	5
CH	/	/	/	0

Basil has won two of the first three tournaments, with Marooned taking the third. Shooter has shown consistency but has yet to find the winning touch. Ched has been busy lighting up the Liv Tour and doing Axe Body Spray ads, which has meant he's only made one round, and that leaves him alone in 4th place. Harris has been sidelined by an injury and his multi-sport commitments make him questionable for the remainder of the Cup sessions.

Next week's session will return to an off-site location as Royal Pine is still recovering from the multi-casualty greens punching incident that has left them hunting for a new greenskeeper, Facility Manager, and Director of Operations.